Ben Bugajski

~ Chapter I: The Very Beginning ~

​

To begin, here is Piero Mamilius, running down the staircase, hop,

                                                                                                                        hop,

                                                                                                                                 hop, to catch up with his father and brothers. It is not his fault, you see, because Tuesday Piero had misplaced his sandals so Wednesday Piero had to find them, so really Father should have scolded Tuesday Piero and not Wednesday Piero. Wednesday Piero was excited because his father had decided that instead of doing all that listening and scribbling and listening even more, he would tell them all about Roman history and he would surprise them and bring them to all the different important places. They went to the Trevi Fountain, and to Palatine Hi--

‘Father, I thought that you said it was going to be a surprise!’ said Piero.

‘Well, it was a surprise. But we went to these places Yesterday, and now it is Today. It’s no longer a surprise because you know everywhere we went,’ I replied.

‘Well, could you very sweetly pretend it’s a surprise, again? I really love surprises!’

‘I suppose I could,’ I said. ‘Where should I begin to keep it a surprise?’

‘Could you begin at the Very Beginning, when I didn’t know anything? Otherwise, how would it be a surprise?’

‘Oh, of course. How silly of me!’

And so I began from the Very Beginning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ Chapter II: The Thirst ~

​

Once upon a time yesterday, Piero Mamilius found Tuesday Piero’s sandals and raced to catch up with his brothers already half way down the street. They were headed toward the hot baths, so he wasn’t sure what could be so interesting.

This is where the first surprise begins.

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

 

Trevi Fountain, present-day

 

The Trevi Fountain, which is a Baroque-era fountain built well after the Roman Empire in which we live, began as an aqueduct. The story begins with a Thirst. Back in 19 BC, there were not the baths and fountains we have today. In fact, this story is about how they first started.

This particular Thirst was felt by a big group of Roman soldiers. It was no ordinary Thirst, it was a Thirst they felt at the bottom of their bones, in the depths of their souls, so they couldn’t just go find a jug of water, they had to find another source to satisfy their Thirst for longer.

Well, it just so happened that a little girl knew of just such a source. It was 8 miles from Rome, however, so they had to climb, and climb, and climb to get from Rome to a hill very high and very far away. Finally, they arrived.

‘You’ve found us a source to quench our Thirst for longer!’ I imagine one of them must have said.

‘But this is so far from Rome. We’ll have to come this far for water every time,’ I imagine said another.

And so they thought about it until they had thought all their thoughts, and finally they thought of a wonderful new thought: an aqueduct!

(‘But how did they come up with that name if they were just soldiers?’ said Piero.

‘Well, it probably wasn’t the soldiers, but a great master of words who put together ‘aqua,’ meaning ‘water,’ with ‘ducere,’ meaning ‘to lead.’ So when Roman engineers built the aqueduct, the slide led them all the way to the source of the water.’

‘Oh! I get it now!’)

And so construction of the aqueduct began--

(‘But Father, I thought today was supposed to be about surprises and history, not words.’

‘Well, it is. But how else would you know where the word came from? You’re still learning about history, you’re just learning the history of aqueducts, which is what made us the greatest city in the world.’

‘I suppose.’

‘And besides, the story is still full of surprises and history. We haven’t even gotten to some of the surprises yet!’

‘Yes, that’s true!’

‘So may I tell more of the surprises now?’

‘Yes, I do believe so.’)

Er-hem. As I was saying. And so construction of the aqueduct began so that water came from 8 miles away all the way to Rome, where many more people needed the water.

As Rome grew and even more people needed water for even more purposes, the great statesman Marcus Agrippa decided the city needed more baths. Not just baths, but public services in general, like gardens and the first Pantheon. Agrippa helped Octavian become the first Roman Emperor, so Octavian let Agrippa do a lot of things, and one of those things was to make baths so that all citizens and not just the wealthy could bathe.

Sometime in the future the bath becomes the Fountain of Trevi, but that’s another story and that’s not one of the surprises you learned yesterday, so we will move on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ Chapter III: Palatine Hill ~

​

The next surprise, as I recall, was a trip to Palatine Hill.

As everyone knows, Palatine Hill is the central hill of many such hills—seven, to be precise—including Caelian Hill, Esquiline Hill, and Capitoline Hill, and it struck Piero very odd that Palatine Hill was the central hill when the word ‘capital’ comes from Capitoline Hill and thus must be the most important hill; however, then he learned that the word ‘palace’ comes from Palatine Hill, so obviously that must make it the most important hill.

The seven such hills had little settlements on it full of people, though they did not consider themselves Romans until a little bit later in the story when we meet Romulus and Remus. But for now, it’s important to know that these people lived together and traded together and had competitive games together until they decided to drain the marshes between the hills and build the Servian Wall around all seven hills. You know they were friends now because it would not do to build a wall if they were not friends, because otherwise they would be trapped together in the Wall and have to see each other every day, and that’s no fun if you don’t like the people you have to live with.

The story of Romulus and Remus begins way back before they were even an inkling in their mother’s mind. It begins with King Numitor of Alba Longa, an old city we don’t have to worry too much about. However, Numitor had a brother, Amulius, and he thought that he deserved power. After all, the only thing that made Numitor king was that he was born first, and what sort of legitimate government structure can be decided by strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, or something like that?

Anyway, Amulius took power from Numitor and made Numitor’s daughter, Rhea Silvia, a Vestal Virgin, which meant she was a very important Religious Figure and she had to promise she wouldn’t have children. Amulius liked this because that way the children Rhea wouldn’t have would never have a legitimate claim to the throne Amulius just legitimately or not legitimately obtained.

However, it was not to be for Amulius to control his niece because Mars, the God of War, made her break her promise to not have children and so she gave birth to two boys, Romulus and Remus. Of course, Amulius is scared by these babies because they have a legitimate claim to the throne he legitimately or not legitimately obtained, so he put them in a basket in the Tiber River which floated to a riverbed down the river where a wolf was getting a drink, and the wolf saved the little boys by taking them to a cave in Palatine Hill called Lupercal. The wolf fed them her milk until a shepherd and his wife found the boys, and so Romulus and Remus survived by drinking the milk of a she-wolf who happened to be drinking water at a riverbed where they washed ashore and the she-wolf saved the boys from the rushing waters that somehow didn’t kill them as they were swept away from Amulius’ palace.

(‘So Palatine Hill is important because it had a cave where a wolf brought two babies that were floating down the river?’ Piero said.

‘Yes.’

‘Okay, that makes sense!’ he replied. ‘…But wait, are they famous because they were saved by a wolf?’

‘Well, just wait and find out!’ I responded.

‘Okay!’)

Since being saved by a wolf doesn’t make people mythic enough to begin the great Roman Civilization (after all, what sort of great civilization has a nonmythic origin story?), the boys eventually found out about their real mother and took the throne from Amulius and gave it back to their family. They didn’t want to wait to inherit Alba Longa, however, so they decided to begin a city on the seven hills on which they grew up.

Romulus wanted the settlement to be on Palatine Hill, so he said to his brother, ‘I want the settlement to be on Palatine Hill.’

Remus, on the other hand, wanted the settlement to be on Aventine Hill, so he said to his brother, ‘I want the settlement to be on Aventine Hill.’

‘But how should we decide which hill on which to split leadership of a city? We could both start our own city and solve the dispute without any bloodshed?’

‘We could. Or we could watch which way the birds fly.’

‘Okay.’

And so the brothers watched which way the birds flew in a practice called augury. However, they again had a dispute.

‘I said that the birds would fly toward Aventine Hill, and the first birds we observed flew right over Aventine Hill,’ said Remus.

‘But then a bigger flock of birds flew over Palatine Hill, so clearly we have to build the city on Palatine Hill,’ said Romulus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Palatine Hill, present-day

 

Romulus must have been right because Rome was started on Palatine Hill, which clearly means that the gods wanted it to be on Palatine Hill or else they would have made Rome begin on Aventine Hill instead. However, at the time, they didn’t know that. All they knew was that the other settlers around Palatine Hill agreed that the more birds, the better, so Romulus drew a big, wide circle around the hill where the wall of the city would be. Since back then people were very superstitious and a line in the dirt represented the wall of the city, you could only enter the circle in places where the gates would be, otherwise it meant that future invaders would just as easily enter the city. So when Remus jumped over the circle and thus made it so future invaders would break into the city, Romulus got so angry that he hit his brother on the head and killed him. And thus, just as the gods decreed that Rome would be on Palatine Hill by sending a larger flock of birds over it, Rome began on Palatine Hill.

Rome doesn’t have many people when it first began on Palatine Hill, so Romulus came to the logical decision that he would accept landless refugees from neighboring areas. This wouldn’t be so bad, except that these refugees were all men, which makes it hard to start a city. And so Romulus came to another logical decision, this time to capture all the women from the neighboring people, the Sabines. The Sabines were apparently okay with this, because they came to the logical decision that since Romulus took all their daughters, sisters, and wives that they would ally with him, doubling Rome’s population overnight. And so Romulus created the city of Rome on Palatine Hill by forming a political alliance sparked by his invasion and capture of all the women in the Sabine city-state. This is why Palatine Hill is important.

(‘So since the children saved by wolves couldn’t decide whether to put the city on Palatine Hill or Aventine Hill, Romulus killed his brother and made just one city on Palatine Hill?’ asked Piero.

‘That’s correct,’ I said.

‘And then he went and took a bunch of women for his city, and the men decided they would be okay with that and they made an alliance with Romulus?’

‘You understand this well, Piero.’

‘And that’s how Rome got started?’

‘Yes!’

‘We have such a grand history.’

‘I agree. That’s why I deemed it necessary to teach you. However, we have one more place to go! Do you remember where it is?’

‘The Vatican Museums!’

‘That’s right! It’s the Vatican Museums.’)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ Chapter IV: The Statue’s Hero’s Medusa ~

​

The Vatican Museums- just like the Trevi Fountain- do not yet exist, least of all because Jesus has not been killed and started the world’s most predominant religion, which means the Papacy has not been created, and said Papacy has not collected religious and political power, and said religious and political power has not translated into a museum full of priceless artwork, much of which, also, does not yet exist, and so it’s a small historical loophole to teach my son about its artwork. But we’ve been down this road before, so where’s the harm in doing it one more time?

As I was saying, the Vatican Museums are full of history, but let’s just start with this one. This statue- called Perseus with the Head of Medusa- shows the Greek myth of Perseus.

(‘But Father, didn’t we base our religion on their gods and myths?’

‘Even though all religions are based on the same symbols- with the Christians basing their image of God on the Greek God Zeus or their co-incidence of Christian holy days with pagan ritual days, for example- ours is still right. That’s how religion works. For now, you just have faith in your Father.’)

Like I was saying, the story of the statue begins with the story of Medusa. Medusa was simply praying in the temple of Athena when the Greek God of the Ocean had sex with her without her consent. Athena was furious that Medusa dared have sex in her temple despite it not being Medusa’s fault, so she took her anger out on her by transforming her hair into serpents and making anyone who saw her face turn to stone. I don’t know why she wasn’t angry at the God of the Ocean, but, anyway, that’s how it all began.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perseus with the Head of Medusa

​

Meanwhile, on a distant island called Seriphos, another beautiful woman, Danaë, is bothered by the king of the island. The king wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to marry him back, so her son- who is the hero of this tale- decided to protect her against the advances of the dishonorable king. The king and son fought over Danaë day and night, and one night the king declared he was going to host a dinner party and asked all the men on the island to bring him a gift of a horse. The hero was poor, so he didn’t have a horse.

‘I am sorry, but I am too poor, I do not have a horse to give you,’ said the hero.

‘Then you cannot attend my dinner party!’ replied the king.

The hero was young and foolhardy, and he desperately wanted to attend the party and not be left out, so he said, ‘I cannot give you a horse, but I can give you anything else!’

‘Anything?’ asked the king.

‘I swear my life on it,’ the hero replied.

This pleased the king, because if the boy was dead he was free to marry Danaë, so he responded, ‘Then bring me the head of a Gorgon!’

All of the king’s attendants gasped, for the only mortal Gorgon was Medusa, the fierce monster whose gaze turned anyone to stone. However, the hero was determined to free his mother from the king, so he took up the challenge and began his journey to cut off Medusa’s head.

(‘But why did everyone hate Medusa so much? Did she do anything to them?’ Piero asked.

‘No, she didn’t do anything,’ I replied. ‘She was just cursed because she was too beautiful.’

‘But that doesn’t sound fair!’ Piero said.

‘I agree,’ I said. ‘However, the Gods work in mysterious ways. How about this: if one day you see Athena, you can ask her why she did it.’

‘Okay! I’ll ask her. But Father, what happened to Medusa?’ he asked.

‘Let’s continue and find out!’ I declared.)

This brings us now to the three old Graeae, who are wise women living far away in a cave removed from all men. While their title means ‘grey witches,’ I’m sure they were not all that bad once you got to know them. Their names were Deino, Enyo, and Pemphredo. While many people left them alone because they were afraid of three unmarried women living together, they were related to Medusa so they knew where to find special weapons to kill her, and so the hero had to find them. The only possession the women had was a single Eyeball that they shared to see, but since they didn’t want to tell the hero how to kill their sister, he stole the Eyeball from them until they gave in and told him where to find the legendary weapons.

He finds the weapons, among them a magic, impenetrable sack; Pegasus, the famed winged horse; and- the key weapon- a mirrored shield that allowed him to see around the corners of Medusa’s twisting cave to find her. The hero found her cave, and he passed by the stone statues of the countless warriors who tried to slay the monster before him. With his shield as his guide, he found Medusa sleeping deep within the cave and cut off her head with his sword, her eyes staying forever open in a terrified grimace. He quickly shoved her head in the magic sack so her acidic blood wouldn’t hurt him and her open eyes wouldn’t turn him to stone, and he steered Pegasus back toward his mother to give the horrifying token to the king.

On his way home, he saw a beautiful woman named Andromeda shackled to a rock on an oceanside cliff and he soon learned she was a sacrifice to the God of the Ocean because her mother boasted that her daughter was as beautiful as any sea nymph. This made the God of the Ocean angry since sea nymphs were his children, so he threatened to destroy the city if the king did not offer Andromeda as a sacrifice. The hero passed over the city right on the day Andromeda was due to be killed, so he arrived just in time to turn the giant sea monster into stone using Medusa’s head. And so the hero gets the girl, saves his mother, and becomes a legend. All in a day’s work, really.

(‘So it wasn’t really Medusa’s fault, she was just too beautiful and the God of the Ocean couldn’t control himself and she got turned into a monster?’ asked Piero.

‘That’s correct,’ I replied.

‘And the hero left to cut off Medusa’s head only because the king wouldn’t leave his mother alone?’ asked Piero.

‘Correct, again,’ I said.

‘And the hero took the one thing the old women had to make them tell him where weapons were that could kill their sister?’ Piero asked.

‘And the hero had to rescue the beautiful Andromeda because she was too beautiful for her own sake, yes,’ I said.

‘So all the women in this story had no agency, which is why you gave them all names and never named the men, not even the hero?’ Piero asked.

‘Let’s talk about that another day, Piero,’ I said.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ Chapter V: ‘Bother!’ ~

​

Finally, the Roman history lesson and the surprises came to end, at least for the day.

(‘But Father, I thought I remember more? We saw the Coliseum, and we ate sushi!’

‘We certainly did do those things, Piero. However, they did not have mythological backgrounds that were as clear, so I decided to skip them for today. But as long as you remember them, that’s the important part.’

‘Well, I do remember them. And you’re right, this was much more interesting than talking about sushi.’

‘If you want, I can include the rest of our adventures next time?’

‘I think I’d like that, Father. I think I’d like that very much.’)

                                                                                                           step, and not hop,

                                                                                                  step,                                  hop,

And so Piero ambled slowly back up to his house, step,                                                    hop, for Thursday Piero was all tired out from listening to Wednesday Piero’s adventures, and I swear that when he tripped on the final step up to the house, I heard escape from his mouth one single word: ‘Bother!’